The club can’t handle me right now.

…And by the club, I mean me.

I’m going to try making sense of the last two weeks, even if I’m likely to fail.

Being back home is always weird, and each time I come back, it gets weirder but I thought I had it figured out. The few things I could count on happening were: boredom, comfort, laziness, and quiet. Yes, it’s sometimes complicated with the parents, but at least that’s stuff that I can handle. I can also handle meeting old acquaintances for short periods of time and usually spend my time with the same 4.5 people for days on end, just drinking on my terrace.

This trip back home has been strange, terrifying and awkward to say the least. It’s been filled with half-relationships, not-yet friends, and a weird mix of familiarity and complete alienation. I did the usual rounds- besant nagar, Zara, 10 D, Sangeetha, Bikes, etc. and each of these things has just become harder to bear – like it’s so full of memories that I might burst from them showing up all at once. I’ve also made some strange new ones – something I definitely didn’t expect, with people who’ve taught me things about myself that I really didn’t want to know but apparently needed to learn. Home is supposed to be a collection of the past and to think that I could have a future here just took me by surprise. I’ve learnt that I’m not as grown up as I thought I was, nor as young as I was either. Maybe this is what Deleuze means is to get inside the time of the event and grow old and young at the same time?

I’m leaving tomorrow, again. And I really don’t have a return ticket this time. I could be back in 5 months or 2 years and I don’t know which option I’d prefer. This time, like the first, feels a little bit like I’m running away but I’m not sure from what exactly. A large part of me is quite terrified at the thought of this coming semester – thesis, finding a job, organizing my life, etc. and it’s so tempting to just refuse to leave (marriage is always an option, as my mother never fails to remind me) but, of course, I miss the academy too much to stay and the academic work here feels too isolating for me to be able to sustain it for any significant period of time.

These last two days have been particularly torturous since I’ve had nothing to do except distract myself from my impending departure with school work – a task that has failed miserably. I know I’ll be paying a price for that when I’m back in DC and buried under a mountain of work but I feel like I need to let myself be angry about leaving – it shows that I still care, perhaps? Or maybe it’s pointless. It probably is.

Anyway, I shall go pack and try not to stare at Facebook. I can’t even handle my level of crazy right now.

Oh, and, Happy New Year.

P.S. (Such a self-indulgent post. I wonder how many “I”s were in it.)


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