15 steps and then a sheer drop

One thing that most people know about me is that I care what professors think. It’s a bad habit and I’m aware of that. I explained it to my friend recently as being really well-integrated into the ideological system that we call academia. I’m just the perfect Althusserian subject. Anyway, point being, because of this, I have great anxiety about each of my classes every time I step into class or even when I run into professors in the hallway, I always cringe a little, internally, and then try to remember what I was talking to them about. This worked a lot better at home because professors didn’t really think of chatting with you about stuff outside of class unless you had something really pressing to discuss. However, in grad school, they insist on being friendly and chatty and generally sharing opinions on everything and sticking around to catch up since our last conversation. This fact both enchants me and scares me terribly. I never know what to say to them! So I always end up with either inconsequential things or non sequiters or both, at the same time. It’s rather horrifying. Today was one of those where I was already excessively rambly and then I was talking to a professor I actually respect and ended up rambling on for 10 minutes to formulate a single question which didn’t get answered eventually.

I’m hoping that if I write this down, I’ll cringe less. However, now I think that I’ll look at this post and remember this instance for way longer than I should. Then I think that I think too much.

I hate being an academic.

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