Just a mirror for the sun
scribbles about a commonplace existence.Archive for life
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket…
I’m thankful. Today, I’m grateful for the people I’ve met, the things that I have done and the places I have been. [especially recently]. It’s one of those days when nothing is really wrong and I have the time to sit down and notice that fact [side note - Dostana is an awesome movie to watch, especially if you're sitting next to Mittu.] The holidays are just over and everyone is talking about our time spent apart and plans for the future and everything else. It feels like I’m in Mallory Towers or St. Clare’s! It’s good to be back, it was nice to be away and I’m looking forward to all the nonsense of the next few months. It’s scary that we only have a few months left to figure out life but I’m really curious to see where it’s going to end up for everyone.
Everyone is getting nostalgic lately. November has always been a time for saying the bye, somehow. It’s that time when it’s not quite the end and everyone is already trying to do and feel as much as possible in the little time left. A year ago, life was crazily different and not always this good. I keep saying it, but I really, really miss my grandmum and I miss those people and everything else that was. But I also love the people I’ve met this year and those I’ve gotten closer to and the time I’ve spent learning. I know that by the time December turns up I won’t have time to breathe so this is in memory of an amazing year… and one that disappeared before I noticed.
I love my people, the clubs in singapore, oreo cheese cake,my parents! [no really], ice cream, rain, this month, movies, my subject, photos, my new shoes! and my whole, crazy life.
Stop and stare.
Though I haven’t really been here, writing for my imaginary fan following, I have started a million blogs in my head while I’m out somewhere among the millions of people that fill this city to the brim. It is usually the transport that causes this rambling in my head, apparently I can’t sit quietly for more than two minutes at a time. However, I have nothing of importance to say so I try not to say it. My life seems to be only about running from boredom. And lately, I’ve managed to fail at this task… and fail miserably. I suppose this is marginally affected by the fact that it’s Deepavali and festivals in general depress me, this one in particular. It makes no sense, but somehow all I seem to be able to do around this time is sit in a corner and be angry and weepy which is very, very irritating to everyone, specifically me. And then I worry that I’m one of those stories where the kid had everything and didn’t realise how good she had it until she had a horrible accident and could never do all the things that she had planned. And then I worry that I worry too much. Yes, I am crazy.
And this is how i don’t do anything constructive like study for the exam that I have to go write in less than 12 hours. Yippee.
Fuck That ShitThoughts meander like a restless wind in a letter box.
As usual too much to write…
a) Amazing internship at a really nice place. Learnt loads and met some really interesting people. Met someone that might be part of an alternate life plan.
b) Shitty summer with too much alcohol, too little intelligence and extra drama. yech.
c) College started again, returning me to some sort of normalcy. I fear that I may actually detest it this year though, and I’ve never ever said that in all these two years, no matter what happened so that’s a little worrying.
d) scared out of my wits about life next year. Started classes and shit for that but I doubt it’ll go great.
e) Obsessing about things and people I shouldn’t.
f) Went back home for two days and it was, as usual, interesting. Did lots of stuff that I wanted to and didn’t get to do lots that I wanted to. Wish I’d stayed longer. However, I did establish that I’m completely idiotic and should be shot.
Ob la di, ob la da, life goes on…
been in a random beatles obsession phase.
p.s. I miss… stuff. Alot. I shouldn’t.
I need to self-actualize and such.
Another day, another casualty.
So I need to write after a month.
I remember how my life changed every day. I miss my boys. I miss school, college and a purpose. Life has been crazy and empty at the same time. I’ve loved, met, changed and questioned a lot in my life this past month. I finally had a birthday that I love and will remember for a long damn time. I’m officially nineteen and trying to be responsible and important with an internship, a college plan and a certain other that is going to end badly [woman's intuition.] Anyway, too much beer and too little conversation can go to your head. So much to say and I’m too lazy to begin. Perhaps I shall blog when a little saner. I miss a life that I never had.
I missed my blog!
The least they ever gave you…
…was the most you ever knew.
So you take your empty soul, your little dreams and put them on scraps of paper. Collect, add, scratch out and replace. You walk about in a dream, hoping to convince someone to take one of those notes, to read it and see that part you didn’t want to show them yet died for them to see. And then you move away, that bit of your soul already withering because someone else saw it, turning into dust in their hands.
Meanings, symbols, language – all of them fade away till you’re left with a hollow shell and you forgot how you got there. Are you really selling yourself for a kiss, a touch? Alone, you sit above your existence, watching the river rush by. You move along the charted out track, make all the right moves and provide no obstacle to that endless cycle of love and loneliness. Your little heart breaking at every turn.
This level of disconnection is unacceptable. Immerse yourself in reality. All this positive reinforcement, makes me wonder why they even bother. It’s probably more empty words anyway. Such a sense of cynicism. Living every life before and after – a string of souls stretching forward and backward till the ends of time. Take a little of their hopes, a couple of his desires and her thoughts. Originality is an illusion, you are a reflection of your life. And death is that amused spectre, laughing at you from every drag of nicotine, from every taste of pleasure. Trace the outlines of your life on your palm. Someone once told me I’d die young and in pain. I wonder why?
Moments of clarity, of realizing the enormity and the insignificance. Quickly grab a sensible thought before your head is forced back into that shallow pool that you drown in.
This is your life, am I who you want to be?
Don’t cry, don’t raise your eyes, it’s only teenage wasteland.
It’s funny how life plays out. The term ‘in the end’ is quite irrelevant – there is no end. Though Sindhu and I have still not figured out life completely, we do agree that it’s not really a progression because progression involves a purpose, a direction while life in itself lacks it. [well, in our limited view it does.]
This is just one of my daily ramblings – I’ve found that I’m entirely too philosophical for an 18 year old. This could prove to be a problem at the oddest times. For example, we’re sitting at the beach the other day, having a really good time and this person that I don’t particularly like turned up and that totally set me off on the irony of life and such. Anyway, there isn’t much of a point to this post. Just filled with a sense of ennui. I need a break from the city again. I need the hills, mountain streams, freezing tents, warm campfires, minimal company, amazing food and free oxygen. *sigh* Happiness. And I miss my squabbling boys. Alot. Specially one of them.
On a side note, I’ve decided that if I ever get married, I’ll have atleast three boys and a girl. [all adopted, of course.] For some reason, I’m happiest when I’m sitting at a table and watching a whole bunch of guys eat. They just look so purposeful and happy at the same time! lol.
Anyway, life seems to be lacking something lately, I’m not sure what. It’s not company or interesting things to do, because I have enough of both. Plus, snooker has become my new addiction, even though I suck at it. I’m totally gonna practice enough to kick Diablo’s ass soon.
Leaving little pieces of my life online…
A cross and a girl named Blessed.
Took a short break from the blog due to insignificant PC problems and general disinterest in the net. Anyway, spent a rather interesting week being quite sick. Concert on friday was okay [the little I saw of it.] but that entire evening definitely left something lacking… like Intelligence, perhaps?
The reason I don’t do what I did on friday very often, is because of the sheer lack of intelligence of the company in question. Yes, weed is entertaining, but only so much. And it gets very tiring when that’s the only thing people do around here anymore. Reached the concert less than sober, but managed to make it back home rather safe, with only the feeling of sheer stupidity at hoping for the evening to turn out better when I was perfectly aware of whom I was going with. Anyway, I heard LBG wasn’t great, though I missed their performance. JYG was pretty good. Entire auditorium was pretty much hot-boxed.
Today was fun though. Reminded me of my boys. Played pool and then beach football. Ended up awfully dirty and sweaty but quite happy with self. Though I must admit that I suck at pool. I miss my boys and I miss home! [*sigh*]
Rather weird other relationships in progress. Will keep you updated!
Had a little college scare this morning due to lack of attendance in just one paper [suspicious? i think so. I mean, who lacks in just one subject? Unless the teacher really doesn't like you.] Anyway, dear old HOD [bless her soul] has passed my name for condonation, hopefully should be fine.
Tired of certain friendships and looking forward to a few others. Life progresses. Ça va.
Give me a song and I’ll sing it like I mean it.
Returned from another trip back home and other places. Rather idyllic vacation. Didn’t think perfection was possible, and it wasn’t, but it came pretty damn close. Grandparents are really nice people. Boys are random and weird. Didn’t see who I wanted to, but that’s okay. There’s always other times, other places, other possibilities.
Highly amused at assumptions of assorted family and older people about my love life, slightly worrying though. Amazing conversation with a kindred soul. <3 I love her so. Too tired to elaborate but thoroughly enjoyable couple of days. Yay for my people. 
P.S. : Vira and me have a deal where soon I shall speak hindi to her and she’ll talk tamil to me. [One must aim for the stars to reach the clouds, you see.]
Tam Brahm, thank you ma’am!
Lol, this is very cliche but cute nonetheless. Jay, Tam Brahm for everrr! lol.
An Iyer’s Life…..A time line of Iyer life
Age: 6 Months
All these mamas and maamis have come here…
For a grand welcome of their new born fellow Iyer…
And my parents will feed food to me with a ring…
And give me a name long enough for you to sing….
(Thirunelavelli Krishnamoorthy Venkataraghavakrishna Doraiswamy Dixitar Iyer….. ,
but will simply call me Dorai!)
Age: 10 years
Topping my class is an inborn talent I possess
(We are an exception)
Teachers & relatives, whom I never fail to impress
Daily dose of idli, tamarind chutney; dosai, sambar; rice and curd
Who on earth do you think will not turn into a nerd…….. (hehe)
Age: 22 Yrs
(Just after graduation.. . preferably Electronics Engineering)
Yipeee Yipeee Yipeee… I completed my BTech in IIT…
Also got a call from Infy….Ya right…Narayana Murthy…
( Proud fellow…Southie ! )
Up & Away to Bangalore by the next morning flight…
And then someday to USA…Yay Yay Yay…Onsite. ..
(You are right… rhyming no?!)
Age: 26 Years
(Single status in USA)
It has been four long years since I have come here…
But have not met a single girl ready to come near…
Here in United States I thought I’d get laid…
Down came crashing, the plans that I’d made…
Age: 30 Years
(8 yrs Onsite, somewhere in USA)
I miss my sambar rice and the tasty thair saadam (curd rice)
I will speak to Amma to find me a homely madam…
I will leave for Thirunelavelli on a 30 day leave…
And come back with a Maami right up my sleeve…
Age: 45 Years
(Still onsite, we think)
I have two kids, but there is a gripping fear…
Both of them have no signs of being an Iyer…
Krishnaswamy & Sreelakshmi I named them fondly…
But the only names they respond to are Kris & Sally…
Age: 75 years(Now everything seems impossible)Ayyayyo, what happened to all my dreams? They have all simply turned into screams.Children have already married and divorced thrice,Playing with our grandchildren would’ve been nice.Left with us are only aches and pains,Life is full of only losses, with no gains. Are we going to be the last of the brilliant Iyer generation?To our children, tradition and culture are only a botheration!
