Shaped as frozen flowers the

Light fell on her face

I watch the dust shift

Under my gaze

Each shade shadowed a different plane

Of her quiet self in repose

And I felt that I must shatter

So sharp and brittle was it

That I choose instead to write this

In an attempt to explain

How cold and clear the morning was

And how golden soft the light

How stunning each inch of her skin

In the dawn of our lives.

Today I buried her in the yielding ground

The light remained unchanged

But so different is the world now

That I can no longer see the same

Already memory shifts into

Little sepia dots

And I can no longer tell

If she meant as much as I believed

But how I hope she did.

The world moves faster now

And I cannot see the lines

Because they blur into one

Long endless day and time

Means little to me today

But later perhaps I’ll find my soul

And you can ask me again.

–

To sit and listen to the wind

Is something of an art

Because you never know

What it might say

And if it is to whisper

So quietly that you doubt

Its very existence

You risk your sanity

But then again, it might

Wail in such sorrow that

You long to cradle her

Like a lost child in pain

But I listen to you talk with

Your words that lead me astray

So I’m almost glad of the wind

And her canny ways.

–

Reams of paper have been

Spent on describing

A love that fills the heart and

Spills into the air

Wrapping one in its flavour

But I would like to tell you

About a love so quiet

As to almost not be there

A love that made me

Wonder about its

Honesty and

search for proof

But now I would like to think

That I’ve found such a love

Though you’d probably disagree

Because it does not flaunt itself

Or keep my face aglow

And I often ask myself

If love could have any other use

But then again, why must

Love have any use?

Bad poetry:

This poetry lacks form, content and aesthetic

Built into its very nature is its everyday obsolescence

As self-reflexive as your bathroom mirror

I will throw this away before the words

Freeze on paper

Taking the idea from my head

As the ink dries the idea

Of any meaning it may hold

To the ‘poet’ who frames it

And so I will be avant-garde.

–

What gives you artistic license?

How dare you presume a style?

Is familiar the only way to

Comprehend everything I say?

And I am a bad poet

With no aspirations of grandeur

Only the recurring embarassment

Of wanting to create.

this is by far the strangest dream i’ve had.

so in the dream, the colours are really, really bright. its purple and maroon that I most remember. first I’m going to someone with special powers who makes my hair long and straight and flowy. I walk down the road and it looks like the earth is bald and red with a few violently green shrubs. I meet little children dressed up for a fancy dress party. My brother is dressed as one of them and some of his classmates are dressed as batman and robin and police inspectors. i continue further down the road which keeps changing and moving and finally go to the person who makes my hair long and my hair looks like a black rapunzel. I go back home and admire it in the mirror and plait it but it becomes too heavy and i have to pull it off my head and it goes back to its normal length. and then i’m walking down the road again and i move toward this collection of people. and they seem to grow into this huge mass of people… millions and millions of them. and my mom calls me and asks me how much my course at cardiff will cost and i say 40,000 dollars, i think and she says we can’t afford that and that some university here has given me admission and that i should go there. all this is happening in some musical way. everyone is speaking in rhyme and everyone looks like strange pod people kind of like the teletubbies but a bit more evil so i assume i look like that too. and everyone starts singing instead of talking. and then there’s this really, really tall pillar, about 40 storeys high, and suddenly i seem to be able to see into the top of it in which there’s a little man in a pool of water and he seems really frightening for some reason and the sky is changing colour violently and he says i should stay here in this course and that i should cover my hair and they put this rainbow coloured cloth over my face that seems to be made with some kind of rubber because it stretches to the contours of my face and i remember thinking that i look like some comic book hero. and then i imagine all the ways in which i could look nice with a purple face, so i turn into a bug finally and look kind of like the caricature of gregor samsa from kafka’s metamorphosis and then the millions of people start climbing up the pillar singing a song about how they’ve been taught to think in a specific way and i join them too and turn into an angry purple insectand we’re climbing up the pillar and the sky is gorgeous… it looks like a cubist painting with blocks moving about and its all in a lovely shade of aquamarine and turquoise and i remember feeling SO angry as i walk towards it which is when i woke up, i think.

the colours.

Change. it.

I want to scream. I want to jump into the ocean. I want to run forever. The limitations of time and space are irritating the fuck out of me. Everyday I go out and spend time with people I love, there’s the easy comfort of familiarity and lots of laughter but a half second distraction and its back in pieces again. I want to paint my heart out but I don’t know where to begin. This stasis is probably the easy way out but it feels like I’m so full of life that I want to burst and instead of finding something constructive to do with it, I’m spending my life self-destructing. Words feel completely cliche. Someone said boredom with one’s life is actually boredom with one’s self. Perhaps that’s true; I’ve been the same person for a while now. I need to be someone brand new. I want to throw off this face and body. I want to disappear into a seething mass of people. I want to be someone you never knew. I hate these insecurities. I want to mean something else.

I want to be able to use words well enough to shape a thought in someone’s head and take me to a new place. I want to see colour everywhere. I want violins to constantly reach a crescendo. I want that breathless joy and then an endless silence.

life in staccato bursts of activity. the word ‘random’ thrown about too many times. the absolute inability to speak coherent english. all the shady laughter and unending tears… i feel like the year is ending and it’s just begun. this constant self-analysis is a bit self-obsessive and unnecessary, don’t you think?

in discussing trees,  apparently they have to be cut down in their prime and shrivel and die. all those thoughts in a pure jumble of emotion. the constant obsession with the opposite. society based on physics and returning to the mothership. i want that intelligence, i need the conversation. won’t someone inspire me? what does the term honesty mean anymore? judgement is my only comfort.

hardly any time has passed and it feels like change is lurking around the corner. i miss easier times, but perhaps they never existed. the word love is being abused on a daily basis.  it’s too early to say goodbye but i’m SO tired of saying hello.

A mirror.

Even as I begin to write, I’m questioning my need for this exercise. Again, I’m fitting a mould, albeit one less known. The world is full of stories and we find holes shaped like us in them and we jump in and go for a ride. Everyday, I’m living a new cliché – today the drama queen, tomorrow the hippie and yesterday I was the lost child. I’m everything you need me to be. I’m a compilation of everything I’ve ever read, seen and heard so when I look at myself, all I see is a new arrangement of old things. All the arguments about originality, uniqueness… everything is just an exercise in repetition. We follow the patterns that our feet already knew existed. It’s all just an age-old dance. So why such angst over something so small? Constantly re-arranging ourselves to suit the people around us, we’re just mirrors for the entire world… Little shards of insignificant glass throw sunlight back in the air in all the colours of the rainbow. So easily caught in the net of hopes and expectations and belief. Such blind faith in your own reality. Do you really think you matter at all in the life someone else? It is so easy to move on. Nothing really matters so take joy in it all. Why the sorrow at your own life? How easy it is to forget one’s own insignificance. Do you really believe that what you do will have any permanence? It happens to the best of us. Filled with our self-importance we roam the streets, at each level thinking of the ones below and how much further we need to reach. We create our own hierarchies by creating our Ideal selves and then moving towards them. Why loathe the need to classify? It’s really all that we do anyway. That’s how we understand things. Everybody I meet wants to stand out from the crowd but never does anything about it. Constantly forcing people to look beyond their boundaries but never daring to peek out ourselves… we’ve had it easy, we’re already two steps ahead of everyone else on that front. I refuse to be you. You can go fuck yourself. And I can’t help but thinking that it’s your fault for that thought.

I’m thankful. Today, I’m grateful for the people I’ve met, the things that I have done and the places I have been. [especially recently]. It’s one of those days when nothing is really wrong and I have the time to sit down and notice that fact [side note - Dostana is an awesome movie to watch, especially if you're sitting next to Mittu.] The holidays are just over and everyone is talking about our time spent apart and plans for the future and everything else. It feels like I’m in Mallory Towers or St. Clare’s! It’s good to be back, it was nice to be away and I’m looking forward to all the nonsense of the next few months. It’s scary that we only have a few months left to figure out life but I’m really curious to see where it’s going to end up for everyone.

Everyone is getting nostalgic lately. November has always been a time for saying the bye, somehow. It’s that time when it’s not quite the end and everyone is already trying to do and feel as much as possible in the little time left. A year ago, life was crazily different and not always this good. I keep saying it, but I really, really miss my grandmum and I miss those people and everything else that was. But I also love the people I’ve met this year and those I’ve gotten closer to and the time I’ve spent learning. I know that by the time December turns up I won’t have time to breathe so this is in memory of an amazing year… and one that disappeared before I noticed.

I love my people, the clubs in singapore, oreo cheese cake,my parents! [no really], ice cream, rain, this month, movies, my subject, photos, my new shoes! and my whole, crazy life.

Though I haven’t really been here, writing for my imaginary fan following, I have started a million blogs in my head while I’m out somewhere among the millions of people that fill this city to the brim. It is usually the transport that causes this rambling in my head, apparently I can’t sit quietly for more than two minutes at a time. However, I have nothing of importance to say so I try not to say it.  My life seems to be only about running from boredom.  And lately, I’ve managed to fail at this task… and fail miserably. I suppose this is marginally affected by the fact that it’s Deepavali and festivals in general depress me, this one in particular. It makes no sense, but somehow all I seem to be able to do around this time is sit in a corner and be angry and weepy which is very, very irritating to everyone, specifically me. And then I worry that I’m one of those stories where the kid had everything and didn’t realise how good she had it until she had a horrible accident and could never do all the things that she had planned. And then I worry that I worry too much. Yes, I am crazy.

And this is how i don’t do anything constructive like study for the exam that I have to go write in less than 12 hours. Yippee.

Fuck That Shit

Wow. My sheer stupidity of over a decade is simply freakin stupendous. Such extreme masochism requires some form of extreme therapy, really. Why do I do this? Every single damn situation in my life. It’s so cliche yet the more things change the more the stay the same. You think I would have grown out of this crap by now. Someone fucking shoot me. I will never fucking learn. I give up whining about it, about him, about everybody. It doesn’t matter who it is anymore, if they’re anything like the previous I will just repeat this awful behaviour over and over and then whine about the awful fucktardation of men.

This is also what I get for messing around with stuff that I KNOW has no future. Bah, stupid men… stupid life. I shall go admit myself in a mental hospital now. As usual, the only reason I write is when I’m too irritated to talk which immediately makes me wonderfully less eloquent. Yippee, the little ironies of life. Also, friends are stupid. College applications are giving me heart attacks. And everyone I know is stupid.  Especially me. wonderful. Not looking forward to the near future.

…Everyone must die.

The end.