March 17, 2009 at 1:13 am · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: colour, dream, kafka, metamorphosis, songs
this is by far the strangest dream i’ve had.
so in the dream, the colours are really, really bright. its purple and maroon that I most remember. first I’m going to someone with special powers who makes my hair long and straight and flowy. I walk down the road and it looks like the earth is bald and red with a few violently green shrubs. I meet little children dressed up for a fancy dress party. My brother is dressed as one of them and some of his classmates are dressed as batman and robin and police inspectors. i continue further down the road which keeps changing and moving and finally go to the person who makes my hair long and my hair looks like a black rapunzel. I go back home and admire it in the mirror and plait it but it becomes too heavy and i have to pull it off my head and it goes back to its normal length. and then i’m walking down the road again and i move toward this collection of people. and they seem to grow into this huge mass of people… millions and millions of them. and my mom calls me and asks me how much my course at cardiff will cost and i say 40,000 dollars, i think and she says we can’t afford that and that some university here has given me admission and that i should go there. all this is happening in some musical way. everyone is speaking in rhyme and everyone looks like strange pod people kind of like the teletubbies but a bit more evil so i assume i look like that too. and everyone starts singing instead of talking. and then there’s this really, really tall pillar, about 40 storeys high, and suddenly i seem to be able to see into the top of it in which there’s a little man in a pool of water and he seems really frightening for some reason and the sky is changing colour violently and he says i should stay here in this course and that i should cover my hair and they put this rainbow coloured cloth over my face that seems to be made with some kind of rubber because it stretches to the contours of my face and i remember thinking that i look like some comic book hero. and then i imagine all the ways in which i could look nice with a purple face, so i turn into a bug finally and look kind of like the caricature of gregor samsa from kafka’s metamorphosis and then the millions of people start climbing up the pillar singing a song about how they’ve been taught to think in a specific way and i join them too and turn into an angry purple insectand we’re climbing up the pillar and the sky is gorgeous… it looks like a cubist painting with blocks moving about and its all in a lovely shade of aquamarine and turquoise and i remember feeling SO angry as i walk towards it which is when i woke up, i think.

the colours.
March 3, 2009 at 4:56 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Change. it.
I want to scream. I want to jump into the ocean. I want to run forever. The limitations of time and space are irritating the fuck out of me. Everyday I go out and spend time with people I love, there’s the easy comfort of familiarity and lots of laughter but a half second distraction and its back in pieces again. I want to paint my heart out but I don’t know where to begin. This stasis is probably the easy way out but it feels like I’m so full of life that I want to burst and instead of finding something constructive to do with it, I’m spending my life self-destructing. Words feel completely cliche. Someone said boredom with one’s life is actually boredom with one’s self. Perhaps that’s true; I’ve been the same person for a while now. I need to be someone brand new. I want to throw off this face and body. I want to disappear into a seething mass of people. I want to be someone you never knew. I hate these insecurities. I want to mean something else.
I want to be able to use words well enough to shape a thought in someone’s head and take me to a new place. I want to see colour everywhere. I want violins to constantly reach a crescendo. I want that breathless joy and then an endless silence.