Just a mirror for the sun
scribbles about a commonplace existence.Archive for April, 2008
The least they ever gave you…
…was the most you ever knew.
So you take your empty soul, your little dreams and put them on scraps of paper. Collect, add, scratch out and replace. You walk about in a dream, hoping to convince someone to take one of those notes, to read it and see that part you didn’t want to show them yet died for them to see. And then you move away, that bit of your soul already withering because someone else saw it, turning into dust in their hands.
Meanings, symbols, language – all of them fade away till you’re left with a hollow shell and you forgot how you got there. Are you really selling yourself for a kiss, a touch? Alone, you sit above your existence, watching the river rush by. You move along the charted out track, make all the right moves and provide no obstacle to that endless cycle of love and loneliness. Your little heart breaking at every turn.
This level of disconnection is unacceptable. Immerse yourself in reality. All this positive reinforcement, makes me wonder why they even bother. It’s probably more empty words anyway. Such a sense of cynicism. Living every life before and after – a string of souls stretching forward and backward till the ends of time. Take a little of their hopes, a couple of his desires and her thoughts. Originality is an illusion, you are a reflection of your life. And death is that amused spectre, laughing at you from every drag of nicotine, from every taste of pleasure. Trace the outlines of your life on your palm. Someone once told me I’d die young and in pain. I wonder why?
Moments of clarity, of realizing the enormity and the insignificance. Quickly grab a sensible thought before your head is forced back into that shallow pool that you drown in.
This is your life, am I who you want to be?
Don’t cry, don’t raise your eyes, it’s only teenage wasteland.
It’s funny how life plays out. The term ‘in the end’ is quite irrelevant – there is no end. Though Sindhu and I have still not figured out life completely, we do agree that it’s not really a progression because progression involves a purpose, a direction while life in itself lacks it. [well, in our limited view it does.]
This is just one of my daily ramblings – I’ve found that I’m entirely too philosophical for an 18 year old. This could prove to be a problem at the oddest times. For example, we’re sitting at the beach the other day, having a really good time and this person that I don’t particularly like turned up and that totally set me off on the irony of life and such. Anyway, there isn’t much of a point to this post. Just filled with a sense of ennui. I need a break from the city again. I need the hills, mountain streams, freezing tents, warm campfires, minimal company, amazing food and free oxygen. *sigh* Happiness. And I miss my squabbling boys. Alot. Specially one of them.
On a side note, I’ve decided that if I ever get married, I’ll have atleast three boys and a girl. [all adopted, of course.] For some reason, I’m happiest when I’m sitting at a table and watching a whole bunch of guys eat. They just look so purposeful and happy at the same time! lol.
Anyway, life seems to be lacking something lately, I’m not sure what. It’s not company or interesting things to do, because I have enough of both. Plus, snooker has become my new addiction, even though I suck at it. I’m totally gonna practice enough to kick Diablo’s ass soon.
Leaving little pieces of my life online…
A cross and a girl named Blessed.
Took a short break from the blog due to insignificant PC problems and general disinterest in the net. Anyway, spent a rather interesting week being quite sick. Concert on friday was okay [the little I saw of it.] but that entire evening definitely left something lacking… like Intelligence, perhaps?
The reason I don’t do what I did on friday very often, is because of the sheer lack of intelligence of the company in question. Yes, weed is entertaining, but only so much. And it gets very tiring when that’s the only thing people do around here anymore. Reached the concert less than sober, but managed to make it back home rather safe, with only the feeling of sheer stupidity at hoping for the evening to turn out better when I was perfectly aware of whom I was going with. Anyway, I heard LBG wasn’t great, though I missed their performance. JYG was pretty good. Entire auditorium was pretty much hot-boxed.
Today was fun though. Reminded me of my boys. Played pool and then beach football. Ended up awfully dirty and sweaty but quite happy with self. Though I must admit that I suck at pool. I miss my boys and I miss home! [*sigh*]
Rather weird other relationships in progress. Will keep you updated!
Had a little college scare this morning due to lack of attendance in just one paper [suspicious? i think so. I mean, who lacks in just one subject? Unless the teacher really doesn't like you.] Anyway, dear old HOD [bless her soul] has passed my name for condonation, hopefully should be fine.
Tired of certain friendships and looking forward to a few others. Life progresses. Ça va.
