Just a mirror for the sun

scribbles about a commonplace existence.

about that snow

i was the first one out this morning
and i walked through all that snow
i broke and made it at the same time
is there a verb for that?
and no one knew it was me

since I’ve removed my blogroll

…because I got tired of it and there were politics involved, I will now use this post to reiterate Krish Ashok’s awesomeness.

Krish Ashok is quite awesome.
you can find him here and here

Not all his posts are awesomely awesome but they’re all pretty regularly awesome. he’s a little bit xkcd like that.

note to self: do not go grocery shopping while hungry, i end up buying half the store.

complaining is definitely one of my favourite activities but the snow was so beautiful today.

this is my place and i don’t say that often enough.

I’m not sure this makes sense

A friend of mine recently pointed me to this article and then went on to say that it made her embarrassed to be Indian because this is what Indians do. For a fraction of a second, I almost agreed because it seems in-built in us to be embarrassed of where we come from. I’m often anxious about being seen with my parents because they might be too Indian, I speak with an american accent (or ‘almost no Indian accent’, as I’m often told) so I won’t be too foreign and I’m frequently asked for my Indian opinion on Slumdog Millionaire, the kama sutra, and apparently the Salahis since Mrs. Salahi wore a sari while crashing Obama’s party. Finally, Trish also recently pointed me to this which definitely made me embarrassed to be Indian since the person who wrote it was Indian as well.

My primary questions however, are the following:

What purpose does the idea of a nation serve?
What kinds of discursive practices exist around national identities?
And finally, what power relations do these practices enact, who benefits and who doesn’t?

While I’m still not certain about answering the first question, I will try taking a stab at the second. As far as I’ve understood, the inherently contradictory discourses about national identity oscillate between the idea that there is a quintessential national identity (things that are essentially american, indian, etc) and the idea that we are ‘always already hybrid’ and now live in a globalized society. The extreme of this argument is to question the idea of authenticity itself and render this need for origins unnecessary. And yet, we cannot shake off this notion of ‘authenticity’; the ‘truth’ of our countries and nationalities. Even in today’s multi-cultural, multinational existence, we are still searching for the ‘real’. Often, I am asked to veto ‘Indian’ things: is this real Indian food? are these ‘real’ Indian clothes? and often, I even reply with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, as if I, merely by being from the country, inherently know every single facet of my nation. This question of authenticity also plays out in other ways. For example, I was recently told (and often worry) that because I am from a city and I’m middle class, I’m not the ‘really’ Indian. The ‘real’ Indian is apparently rural, poor and lives in the hope of being saved by magical ‘development’ and I, by my presence in academia, am here to represent their voice in this important space. Hence, I often find myself wanting to speak for this rural poor or marginalized that I do not know of, especially in academic circles, merely because I have a vague, hazy picture of them at the back of my mind, inciting me to discourse. It is this “fragment of darkness that [I] carry within [myself]: a general signification, a universal secret, an omnipresent cause, a fear that never ends” (Foucault, 69) that leads me to constantly question both my validity as an Indian and at the same time, speak as an ‘Indian’ since it is a secret that only Indians understand and all Indians understand. The nation is thus a problem of truth. Hence post-colonial theory is described as an act of resistance, a method of ‘writing back’, explaining our position in the world in order to gain legitimacy. And hence, anyone who reads and sympathizes with post-colonial theory is in fact supporting the resistance, no matter where they’re from. Therefore, studying post-colonial theory or ‘development’ theory provides the academic with intellectual legitimacy. And yet, one cannot escape the same relations of power that existed earlier but manifests itself in different forms. The first concepts of development led to idealizing globalization and modernity, but now, there occurs a fetishizing the ‘local’, the ‘indigenous’. Everyone wants to let the subaltern speak. And yet, by doing so, are we not in fact reinstating the same power relations that already exist? By explaining ourselves over and over and still having our distorted truth misrepresented back at us (whoever this ‘us’ is) are we not, in fact answering this incitement to discourse that is in fact the cornerstone of a repressive hypothesis?

Now the question is, do we not speak at all? My answer is that I don’t know. My only way to navigate these situations that constantly arise (especially debates about cultural authenticity, development and being asked to narrate my identity) is to analyse what the power relations in such discourses are. As Lydia often tells me, we must constantly be aware of the situations of micro-power that constantly arise and not fall into patterns of discourse that reinforce them.

Foucault M., History of Sexuality,Vol. 1, An Introduction.

skwak

so there is this person
who is really quite awesome
and i love the work that she does.
she sits next to me
and sketches her notes
while wearing interesting scarves.
look!

stuff white people like

lol

so ‘development’. the term irritates me. lately, i’ve been questioned about why i’m studying cultural theory as opposed to doing ‘real’ development work. i’m writing down my answer because i tend to forget things and i’m being called upon lately to provide insights into the Indian Psyche by explaining my position on various things that are Indian. (development apparently being something that Indians need).

so here goes:

i’m choosing to theorize about culture because:

a) i shudder to even consider doing ‘development’ work since its overrun with people that are convinced they’re going to save the poverty-stricken masses from inevitably awful deaths by converting them to the cause of globalization and the way of the western peoples.

b) i’d like to add to a body of scholarship within academia about issues that are not currently a part of mainstream discourse (however, i still face problems with understanding the limits and spread of such discourse and how one could contribute effectively without limiting oneself to a circle of like-minded individuals)

c) i believe that pedagogy can be a tool for resistance and my interest in higher education, especially within India is something I wish to explore through critical theory

pins

I’m trying to write -
myself: an explanation
and afraid to begin.

but i do like this

i slept with someone in fallout boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me

unreasonable happiness is the best kind, i think.
i really do like the cold, though no one will believe me.

resolutions for this year:
simplify.
explore DC.

And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off

One must be grateful, I suppose. For everything.

What kind of sentence completes itself
Before I tell it to?

Why must I write
in phrases that don’t make sense?

It’s almost shameful to watch
someone struggle to create.

To create. To create a self,
a person. That I am not?

I build these castles in the air
and let them melt away
so I can watch me
watch them.

And I cannot bear to look at myself
in the mirror.
Still.

(I hate the compulsive confessing.)

nomad

depression set in. gifted myself anti-oedipus to cheer up.

sigh, where have all the critical theorists gone?

Older entries »