Thoughts meander like a restless wind in a letter box.

As usual too much to write…

a) Amazing internship at a really nice place. Learnt loads and met some really interesting people. Met someone that might be part of an alternate life plan.

b) Shitty summer with too much alcohol, too little intelligence and extra drama. yech.

c) College started again, returning me to some sort of normalcy. I fear that I may actually detest it this year though, and I’ve never ever said that in all these two years, no matter what happened so that’s a little worrying.

d) scared out of my wits about life next year. Started classes and shit for that but I doubt it’ll go great.

e) Obsessing about things and people I shouldn’t.

f) Went back home for two days and it was, as usual, interesting. Did lots of stuff that I wanted to and didn’t get to do lots that I wanted to. Wish I’d stayed longer. However, I did establish that I’m completely idiotic and should be shot.

Ob la di, ob la da, life goes on…

been in a random beatles obsession phase.

p.s. I miss… stuff. Alot. I shouldn’t.

I need to self-actualize and such.

A lack of color.

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I’ve seen more spine in jellyfish.
I’ve seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there’s ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You’re as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

-: Brand New- Seventy times 7.

Another day, another casualty.

So I need to write after a month.

I remember how my life changed every day. I miss my boys. I miss school, college and a purpose. Life has been crazy and empty at the same time. I’ve loved, met, changed and questioned a lot in my life this past month. I finally had a birthday that I love and will remember for a long damn time. I’m officially nineteen and trying to be responsible and important with an internship, a college plan and a certain other that is going to end badly [woman's intuition.] Anyway, too much beer and too little conversation can go to your head. So much to say and I’m too lazy to begin. Perhaps I shall blog when a little saner. I miss a life that I never had.

I missed my blog!

The least they ever gave you…

…was the most you ever knew.

So you take your empty soul, your little dreams and put them on scraps of paper. Collect, add, scratch out and replace. You walk about in a dream, hoping to convince someone to take one of those notes, to read it and see that part you didn’t want to show them yet died for them to see. And then you move away, that bit of your soul already withering because someone else saw it, turning into dust in their hands.

Meanings, symbols, language - all of them fade away till you’re left with a hollow shell and you forgot how you got there. Are you really selling yourself for a kiss, a touch? Alone, you sit above your existence, watching the river rush by. You move along the charted out track, make all the right moves and provide no obstacle to that endless cycle of love and loneliness. Your little heart breaking at every turn.

This level of disconnection is unacceptable. Immerse yourself in reality. All this positive reinforcement, makes me wonder why they even bother. It’s probably more empty words anyway. Such a sense of cynicism. Living every life before and after - a string of souls stretching forward and backward till the ends of time. Take a little of their hopes, a couple of his desires and her thoughts. Originality is an illusion, you are a reflection of your life. And death is that amused spectre, laughing at you from every drag of nicotine, from every taste of pleasure. Trace the outlines of your life on your palm. Someone once told me I’d die young and in pain. I wonder why?

Moments of clarity, of realizing the enormity and the insignificance. Quickly grab a sensible thought before your head is forced back into that shallow pool that you drown in.

This is your life, am I who you want to be?

Don’t cry, don’t raise your eyes, it’s only teenage wasteland.

It’s funny how life plays out. The term ‘in the end’ is quite irrelevant - there is no end. Though Sindhu and I have still not figured out life completely, we do agree that it’s not really a progression because progression involves a purpose, a direction while life in itself lacks it. [well, in our limited view it does.]

This is just one of my daily ramblings - I’ve found that I’m entirely too philosophical for an 18 year old. This could prove to be a problem at the oddest times. For example, we’re sitting at the beach the other day, having a really good time and this person that I don’t particularly like turned up and that totally set me off on the irony of life and such. Anyway, there isn’t much of a point to this post. Just filled with a sense of ennui. I need a break from the city again. I need the hills, mountain streams, freezing tents, warm campfires, minimal company, amazing food and free oxygen. *sigh* Happiness. And I miss my squabbling boys. Alot. Specially one of them.

On a side note, I’ve decided that if I ever get married, I’ll have atleast three boys and a girl. [all adopted, of course.] For some reason, I’m happiest when I’m sitting at a table and watching a whole bunch of guys eat. They just look so purposeful and happy at the same time! lol.

Anyway, life seems to be lacking something lately, I’m not sure what. It’s not company or interesting things to do, because I have enough of both. Plus, snooker has become my new addiction, even though I suck at it. I’m totally gonna practice enough to kick Diablo’s ass soon.

Leaving little pieces of my life online…

A cross and a girl named Blessed.

Took a short break from the blog due to insignificant PC problems and general disinterest in the net. Anyway, spent a rather interesting week being quite sick. Concert on friday was okay [the little I saw of it.] but that entire evening definitely left something lacking… like Intelligence, perhaps?

The reason I don’t do what I did on friday very often, is because of the sheer lack of intelligence of the company in question. Yes, weed is entertaining, but only so much. And it gets very tiring when that’s the only thing people do around here anymore. Reached the concert less than sober, but managed to make it back home rather safe, with only the feeling of sheer stupidity at hoping for the evening to turn out better when I was perfectly aware of whom I was going with. Anyway, I heard LBG wasn’t great, though I missed their performance. JYG was pretty good. Entire auditorium was pretty much hot-boxed.

Today was fun though. Reminded me of my boys. Played pool and then beach football. Ended up awfully dirty and sweaty but quite happy with self. Though I must admit that I suck at pool. I miss my boys and I miss home! [*sigh*]

Rather weird other relationships in progress. Will keep you updated!

Had a little college scare this morning due to lack of attendance in just one paper [suspicious? i think so. I mean, who lacks in just one subject? Unless the teacher really doesn't like you.] Anyway, dear old HOD [bless her soul] has passed my name for condonation, hopefully should be fine.

Tired of certain friendships and looking forward to a few others. Life progresses. Ça va.

Give me a song and I’ll sing it like I mean it.

Returned from another trip back home and other places.  Rather idyllic vacation. Didn’t think perfection was possible, and it wasn’t, but it came pretty damn close. Grandparents are really nice people. Boys are random and weird. Didn’t see who I wanted to, but that’s okay. There’s always other times, other places, other possibilities.

Highly amused at assumptions of assorted family and older people about my love life, slightly worrying though. Amazing conversation with a kindred soul. <3 I love her so. Too tired to elaborate but thoroughly enjoyable couple of days. Yay for my people.

P.S. : Vira and me have a deal where soon I shall speak hindi to her and she’ll talk tamil to me. [One must aim for the stars to reach the clouds, you see.]

We’re all hypocrites, but you’re a patriot.

It amazes me when rational, intelligent beings who claim to understand a large part of society and are contributing members to the economy in no small measure, abandon all claims of secularity when it comes to specific situations, especially when these people are your own kin.

It annoys the hell out of me that we sit in our drawing rooms and comment on everything from communism to sexuality and the state of the economy, that we claim to be intellectually superior to most of the population that we are a part of yet the most basic and stupid of prejudices still remain.

You denounce racism, Hitler, etc. Everything that goes against intelligent thought, in fact, but you let something as silly as religion colour your existence?  Two things about this bother me more than the rest of the arguments:

a) The levels of hypocrisy that one must live in, not only with the external world but within yourself. How would someone who is supposedly intellectual answer to themselves on this one aspect alone? Or do they not answer it at all?

Sure, I have prejudices, I can hardly claim to be without it, but atleast I try not to let it get in the way of everyday life and I definitely don’t make important decisions [like deciding whether to give them employment] based on it.

b) Even if you don’t have a high opinion of that religion currently would you really let that get in the way of learning their culture, their history, art, etc? Especially when it’s a civilization as old as theirs and with such an influence on the modern world! It’s knowledge! How can anyone let anything get in the way of acquiring more knowledge?

Okay, too annoyed to try and understand anything. Must go back to studying for exam tomorrow. [Ironically, the paper is on Gender Studies, which the very same people would stand up and fight for. Hypocrites. Fake emancipators of women's rights. (is that even a word?) They deliver sermons on equality of women, black people, jews and such but they remain as stubborn as mules and about as smart on something we live with everyday.]

Side-note: Read To Kill A Mockingbird recently for english and found it vaguely engaging and almost tolerable.

Bah! Humbug.

Tam Brahm, thank you ma’am!

Lol, this is very cliche but cute nonetheless. Jay, Tam Brahm for everrr! lol.
An Iyer’s Life…..A time line of Iyer life

Age: 6 Months

All these mamas and maamis have come here…
For a grand welcome of their new born fellow Iyer…
And my parents will feed food to me with a ring…
And give me a name long enough for you to sing….
(Thirunelavelli Krishnamoorthy Venkataraghavakrishna Doraiswamy Dixitar Iyer….. ,
but will simply call me Dorai!)

  Age: 10 years

  Topping my class is an inborn talent I possess
(We are an exception)
Teachers & relatives, whom I never fail to impress
Daily dose of idli, tamarind chutney; dosai, sambar; rice and curd
Who on earth do you think will not turn into a nerd…….. (hehe)

Age: 22 Yrs

(Just after graduation.. . preferably Electronics Engineering)

Yipeee Yipeee Yipeee… I completed my BTech in IIT…
Also got a call from Infy….Ya right…Narayana Murthy…
( Proud fellow…Southie ! )
Up & Away to Bangalore by the next morning flight…
And then someday to USA…Yay Yay Yay…Onsite. ..
(You are right… rhyming no?!)

Age: 26 Years

(Single status in USA)
  It has been four long years since I have come here… 
But have not met a single girl ready to come near…
Here in United States I thought I’d get laid…
Down came crashing, the plans that I’d made…

Age: 30 Years
(8 yrs Onsite, somewhere in USA)
 I miss my sambar rice and the tasty thair saadam (curd rice)
I will speak to Amma to find me a homely madam…
I will leave for Thirunelavelli on a 30 day leave…
And come back with a Maami right up my sleeve…

   Age: 45 Years
   (Still onsite, we think)
I have two kids, but there is a gripping fear…
Both of them have no signs of being an Iyer…
Krishnaswamy & Sreelakshmi I named them fondly…
But the only names they respond to are Kris & Sally…

Age: 60 Years

(retire hogaya baap)am back to Thirunelavelli with my ever faithful wife…But my kids stay in the US and think I don’t have a life… Tirupati, Guruvayoor, Shabarimala - all we’ve been to…Sun TV is our faithful friend which we always turn to…

  Age: 75 years(Now everything seems impossible)Ayyayyo, what happened to all my dreams? They have all simply turned into screams.Children have already married and divorced thrice,Playing with our grandchildren would’ve been nice.Left with us are only aches and pains,Life is full of only losses, with no gains. Are we going to be the last of the brilliant Iyer generation?To our children, tradition and culture are only a botheration!

She wants it

okay so, long detailed post was planned, but it’s late and i’m too tipsy.

women’s day! found someone that’s lived my life. vaguely, sorta related. she comforts/scares me at the same time. will i be her? she told me not to do what i want to. she makes me not original anymore. but it’s cool. here’s to more random saturday nights with alcohol, nicotine and the most random conversation ever!

sleepy as hell but must put this night down.

was supposed to attend workshop but it got cancelled due to other things. went to zara’s instead. awesome stuff. met the ‘nightcrawler’. lots of alcohol/awesome conversation. gave me hope in family/humanity.

much love all.

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY

spent all day in company of amazing women. <3